Sunday, April 1, 2007

The entertainment value of metaphysics

Last week I was browsing the Oxford University Press website to see if Jesse Prinz's The Emotional Construction of Morals was out yet in the U.S. (nope) when I stumbled across a book with a most peculiar title: The Riddles of Existence by Earl Conee and Theodore Sider.

1. Oxford University Press: The Riddles of Existence

This really says it all (click for a larger view):



This book deserves great praise for not only focusing on metaphysics at a time when many contemporary philosophers regard the subject as a silly and incorrigibly misled development in the history of philosophy, but for making metaphysics accessible and, more importantly, fun.

I believe that this book is ushering in a new revolution—a revolution where philosophy, and metaphysics in particular, becomes a dominant form of mainstream entertainment.

The biggest draw of metaphysics is that one can discover profound ahistorical truths about the world and existence simply through armchair reflection.

Take, for instance, a modern version of St. Anselm's ontological argument:
1. God is the entity than which no greater entity can be conceived.
2. The concept of God exists in human understanding.
3. Assume God does not exist in reality.
4. The concept of God existing in reality exists in human understanding.
5. If an entity exists in reality and in human understanding, this entity is greater than it would have been if it existed only in human understanding.
6. From 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 an entity can be conceived which is greater than God, the entity than which no greater entity can be conceived.
7. Assumption 3 is wrong, therefore God exists in reality.

Exactly. Not only apodictically correct, but apodictically fun.


As a devout metaphysician myself, I've long accepted arguments of this sort for their rich intellectual vigor and logical infallibility. But my position has shifted after further consideration of the metaphysical observations attributed to the pre-Socratic philosopher Thales of Miletus (c. 6th century B.C.E.).

Whereas St. Anselm and Descartes understood the existence of God to be necessary due to our having the very idea of God, and Spinoza and Leibniz took everything to be, more or less, an extension of God, Thales boldly used Occam's razor to its fullest and reached a grander (albeit less theistic) conclusion: Everything is water.

Unfortunately, however, this reality has still yet to dawn on most thinkers, much less the general public. However, it was, and still is, a crucial tenet of Bruce Lee's ontological philosophy. The martial artist indeed studied philosophy as his major in college, and his assent to the philosophy of Thales is clearly evident in his often-quoted assertion, "Be water, my friend."

Further, with the moistness of Thale's first principle firmly ingrained, as well as Bruce Lee's name recognition and chiselled features, I believe that we can go beyond just entertainment value in the marketing of metaphysics and incorporate sex appeal.


I've devised the following irrefutable argument to prove that this is not only possible but necessary:
1. Sex sells. (The quality of being sexy sells.)
2a. Wetness is sexy.
2b. Bruce Lee is a sexy celebrity.
2c. Things associated with sexy celebrities are themselves sexy.
3a. Metaphysics is wet (by extension of Thales' first principle)...
3b. Furthermore, metaphysics is associated with a sexy celebrity (i.e. Bruce Lee).
4. Therefore Metaphysics is sexy.
5. Therefore, metaphysics sells.

Likewise we can devise a similar argument:
1. Wetness is sexy.
2. Everything is water.
3. Water is wet.
4. Therefore, everything is wet.
5. Therefore, everything is sexy.
6. Leibniz is a thing.
7. Therefore Leibniz is sexy.
Or, as an alternate argument, I simply present this picture of Leibniz:




11:16 PM update:

Some unlearned readers may instead prefer the philosophy of Witteringswine. I believe that these readers (water-beings) are entitled to their opinions (water-thoughts), however wrong they may be. In accord with this principle, I am going to provide links to two of his works in high hopes that the reader will be apt to pick up on their dryness.

Early Witteringswine:
1. Tractatus Fuselagico-Umbilicus

Late Witteringswine:
2. Philosophical Tribulations

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